


i'm too young to go to jail

by jinxingxing



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dissociation, NCT Dream - Freeform, Poly, Songfic, depiction of not so great mental state, dont be fooled jaemin jeno n ren only appear at the end lol, no beta we die like men, poly dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:42:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jinxingxing/pseuds/jinxingxing
Summary: donghyuck feels like he's been walking under the sun for ages. and that would be true since he packed to flee the state and dissociated his entire way to a run-down gas station reaching the borders. life doesn't feel that great at the moment.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Kudos: 20





	i'm too young to go to jail

**Author's Note:**

> please listen/watch bellyache by billie eilish before or during your reading! that was the inspiration for this fic.  
> this was written in 2018. i just found it lol.

standing in the middle of the road, he looked forward. he took a hard breath, cleaned the drop of sweat falling off his cheek, and started moving. his bright yellow jacket contrasting with the dead colours surrounding him; greyish grass all around but where concrete of the gas station up front starts. the structure a boring white darkneded with dust.

his hair was stuck to his forehead, but he didn't care. every step seemed to cool him down a little, or maybe he just couldn't feel the heat anymore. it seemed like a long time had passed since when he could have the luxury to stop and think about how he was feeling, and also think in general. 

and it was too little time, always, always, too. everything rushed, just happened. and he had to pass through it. quick.

bells clanged as he opened the door, anunciating his entry. it was weird, how inside a store time seemed to stop, or not exist. if you entered one to get groceries at 11am, it would look and feel the same as if you entered to just stack up on energy drinks because you're about to flee the state at noon.

donghyuck was doing the latter.

his body ached, but he was so tense that the tiredness felt locked inside something harder. body moving on autopilot; that's how you keep going when your mind is numb enough to say "just give up, rest" to every command.

taking his things to the registrer he hoped, prayed, there was no small talk. he loved when people tried to start a casual conversation, it showed that they were interested in him. but if his 'i havent slept in four days' expression wasn't enough, then he'd have to just die, because opening his mouth would end up in silence anyway, or worse, shaky voice.

when no talk took place, he could almost say he was lucky today. but that was too big of a cruel joke on himself right now.

he stepped out, and it felt like the world fell. slower than a 'crash', but so fucking heavy.

standing outside in the humid weather of, remember, the road you walked, he was fine. he definitely didn't feel like he was walking on clouds. definitely felt his own body. his hearing was perfect, no muted, white noise deafening his ears; making even his thoughts buzz, like voices yelling from far away.

this is all obviously a big lie.

he felt helpless. getting out of this one seemed so impossible it was sad. maybe this is how it ended. with donghyuck finally losing it miles away from the city. miles away from himself. miles away from them.

it was so hard. remembering them now is the deeper cut that can be made. it fucking hurts, because having them around would make the ache so much better. he could almost feel it, in a part-memory kind of way, how calming it would be. because donghyuck knew that when it felt like reality was falling apart, melting to the groud and being swallowed by nothing, they could make it all seem better.

but he couldn't drag them to the gutter. 

no floating helplessly, but being held in one place, his surroundings a person he can call home.

fuck.

he clunched the phone in shaky hands. 'what are you doing?' was mostly all that was going through his head, meanwhile. that, and some crushing panic with an even worse acceptation of the fact that 'its not gonna go through'. it was an extranger's number from a phone he borrowed, after all.

but it went through.

"hello?" the voice on the other end sounded mostly curious.

silence.

donghyuck could almost picture how the person on the other side of the line distanced the phone from their ear to look at the screen again.

silence.

"Jeno." fuck, fucking shaky voice. it didn't matter. he needed to hear more.

"Donghyuck?"

"yeah." almost a whisper. jeno perked up at that, probably almost dropping everything in urgency. he could fond over that latter when he had his sanity back.

"what's wrong?" well, it really wasn't jeno's fault to be making so many questions. it was a weird day.

donghyuck could feel himself shake. splashes of reality were the worst. everything was wrong. he could almost cry about it.

maybe choking up words so they are forced to come out would work. "i'm not home. i'm outside of town." exhale.

repeat. air. you couldn't faint even if you wanted, so fucking get to it.

jeno's confusion could be felt, really, even in the third moon donghyuck was in. well, actually that was probably just his last bit of sanity at the back of his mind, telling him that this situation was fucked. he was fucked.

jeno asked, and donghyuck told him where he was in a breath. it happened without him realizing. where things even happening?

after a 'stay where you are', donghyuck thinks that jeno kept talking. but he lowered the phone, only glanced at it like asking what its bussiness was being in his hand, and looked up.

the bright colour of the sky, the warmth of the sun, the vivacity a place with people has, it all felt so far away. only lilac mist surrounding and the promise that, for some reason, he was gonna be safer in some minutes, played in his head.

wheels came to a sudden stop somewhat in his field of vision, the doors opening with urgency and closing just as fast.

after looking at their approaching feet, donghyuck lifted his head slightly from where he was sitting close to the store entrance.

renjun looked fresh out of a class, and he probably was. a little disheveled, with his hair sticking to a point in some places (he couldn't care about fixing it after running when jeno told him, after all), a little bit of skin showing where his hoodie fell from his shoulder.

his face was pure worry.

jaemin wasn't all that better. concern evident on his face, lips pressed into a line and brows furrowed. they were all practically running to him, eyes locked onto him, him, him.  
donghyuck felt more at peace already. maybe he could finally pass out with ease.

jeno was the closest before he blinked; part of jeno was relieved for just seeing donghyuck there, and a bigger part of him worried out of his mind.

when donghyuck opened his eyes, though, it was renjun who was in front of him. in even less than that, donghyuck was on renjun's arms, pressed firmly against him. he could ask later. he could yell later. he could think of this later. now, he only wants to hold donghyuck. the image of him looking lost and defeated something he never wants to see. never again.

donghyuck, on his part, melts away on the other's arms.

they are a physical piece of lucidity to him. the opportunity to breath. home. finally.

his thoughts get a little clearer, and without the restrain holding him, donghyuck feels like he could really just pass out. but he doesn't. instead, he snuzzles closer as best as he can, jaemin's presence already by his side and jeno's hand on the opposite one,

and it's kind of a blur after that.

when donghyuck wakes up, his head feels both light and, fuck, heavy as hell. rustling, he sits up, noticing that he's inside a vehicle, renjun's looking at him, he fell asleep for some time since it was dark outsi-

oh, renjun. what. since when.

"hey." it's soft, donghyuck feels like he hasn't talked in ages. realization coming slowly, his surroundings adjusting.

renjun looks at him for what are probably seconds, but feel like hours. as if taking in everything that donghyuck is, now that he's awake.

after staring, renjun smiles slightly despise himself. 

donghyuck knows him too well. he was probably about to get an earful and then questions, but being adorable and breathtaking saved him. donghyuck thanked god sometimes.  
renjun lowered his head momentarily, allowing vunerability because he was just relieved to see donghyuck awake, talking, looking at him.

then. he was looking at him in the eyes, soft hair falling slightly on his face. "how are you feeling?"

donghyuck wanted to laugh, honestly. "good." he said nonchalantly, with a bit of a shrug, too. a smile slowly creeping on his own face at renjun's incredulous scoff-huff-of-sorts. but the other was similing too, so it was fine.

looking through the back windshield there was still a bit of sunshine far away in the horizon, painting its vicinity with pinks and oranges. behind renjun and the tinted window at his back, the remaining natural light played with the contrast of colors, making jaemin and jeno stand out in the dark still with muted tones.

renjun was opening the door behind him, instantly catching the attention of the two outside, who came practically running at them.

jaemin's face light up with a smile at the sight of donghyuck, who couldn't help but stare at it. jeno was beside him in an instant, looking just as happy. it was always overwhelming, having all of their attention on him, and with the current situation it was even worse.

jeno went around the truck, since that seemed like a better option than to squeeze with other two people on one (1) door, and entered through the right one, where hyuck was.  
no average cabin is made to fit four people who also want to look at each other's faces and talk, but they made it work, like always.

renjun was practically sitting on jaemin's lap and donghyuck would have jeno's chin on his shoulder by the time they arranged. it was comfy.

everything was still a mess, a big ugly one. but feeling them with him even when he had given up, seeing the last bit of sunshine illuminate the back of their soft hair.. for the first time in a long time, hyuck felt like it was okay to breathe for a little bit.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this, back in 2018, to try and put into words how dissociation feels. please tell me if you felt the funky energy!
> 
> btw i dont think im going to finish this so im just gonna explain/spoil the details here. fic hyuck probs killed his abusive dad some days prior to this, at the beggining of the fic he's already on his way to get out of town bc well, police. he could have also just stolen all his money, or both. he wasn't gonna tell any of this to the others, but shit happened and they dropped their lives to go check that shit out, like wtf babe (they are in college). they knew of his abusive dad and i think renjun must have seen the news or something. this was supposed to continue on their roadtrip and backstory, but like i said this is old. thank you so much for reading, it means the world to me.


End file.
